


Across the Circle

by MostlyFriendlyAlien



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Male Character, College AU, F/M, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:31:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3598212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostlyFriendlyAlien/pseuds/MostlyFriendlyAlien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been a shit Friday in a shit week and Gwiboon was taking advantage of her roommate’s absence to swaddle herself in an oversized hoodie so large that she could draw her knees up inside of it. She was that way now, lying sideways and curled up, her hood drawn tightly around her face, the strings knotted, until only her eyes and nose were visible in the round opening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Across the Circle

**Author's Note:**

> Trans-specific and mental health issues are both recurring themes in this series. It’s not going to be especially angsty, but expect realistic treatment.

Gwiboon’s phone had been buzzing intermittently for at least an hour now, but she ignored it. She wasn’t even going to look at the screen. There was only so much of her sister’s boy drama that she could take at once. She’d text back later and say she had been in an exam. Well, it was a little too early in the semester for an exam. She’d say she’d gone for a run and forgot her phone.

It had been a shit Friday in a shit week and Gwiboon was taking advantage of her roommate’s absence to swaddle herself in an oversized hoodie so large that she could draw her knees up inside of it. She was that way now, lying sideways and curled up, her hood drawn tightly around her face, the strings knotted, until only her eyes and nose were visible in the round opening. Taemin had dubbed it her “turtle pose.”

She was a third of the way through LeGuin’s Left Hand of Darkness, or at least, her hand was currently wedged in a spot about a third of the way through the book. She couldn’t really remember anything about the book so far, except for a vague annoyance at how the supposedly progressive treatment of gender in the book still left much to be desired. The book had closed around her hand, and she was staring at Taemin’s dresser across the room. Her phone buzzed again, and her eyes flickered over to it, and watched as the glow of the screen faded once more. She rolled her eyes, and opened the book back up again. She chewed absently on one of her hoodie drawstrings.

A moment later, she jumped as someone banged loudly on her door. She scrambled to sit up and pull her legs out from under her hoodie but ended up falling on the floor in an undignified heap just as her friend Jonghyun burst into the room. He burst out laughing as he saw Gwiboon struggling with her hoodie. She glared at him, finally wrenching her knees free.

“Can I help you?” she said coldly, sitting up, back rigidly straight, as she picked the drawstring knots open to free her face. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight,” Jonghyun said, covering the rest of his laugh with his hand. “I’ve been texting you, but you didn’t respond, so…”

“That’s an oddly formal way to ask me to help you manage your social anxiety by sitting across you at the cafeteria,” Gwiboon said, her voice dry. She ignored the texting comment.

“No, I mean—” Jonghyun said. He brushed his bleached hair back with one hand. “You’ve barely left your room for a week.”

“I’m studying,” Gwiboon said.

“No, you’re not,” Jonghyun said.

“How do you know?” she said.

“Because you never study,” he said. “You just go to lectures and then cram before tests.”

“I’m studying the outmoded gender politics of 1960s feminist sci fi,” Gwiboon said haughtily.

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Jonghyun said. “Get up. Put on some pants.”

_______________________________________

“Is there any meat in this meatloaf?” Gwiboon said, picking at her plate gingerly. “Or is it just old croutons soaked in stagnant brown water and then baked into a loaf?”

“You’re not supposed to look closely at food in the caf,” Jonghyun said. “Just shovel it in until your hunger goes away.” He looked at her plate and grimaced. “Why the fuck would you go for meatloaf though?”

“I’m gonna go vegan,” she muttered.

“Technically, croutons in stagnant water could be vegan,” Jonghyun said. He chuckled to himself. “Hey,” he said, as if the idea had just come to him. “Do you want to go to TRES with me tonight?” 

“We’ve been over this, Jjong,” she said. “I’m not interested.” She pushed a lump of meatloaf around her plate with her fork. “What does TRES stand for anyway?”

“Trans something something support?” he said, his voice trailing upwards uncertainly and then cracking. He laughed with embarrassment. “I should know this by now—I’ve been going for long enough.”

Gwiboon stabbed a limp brownish green bean with her fork, but did not raise it to her mouth. She stared at her plate.

“I just feel like, you know, I already figured all that out,” she said finally, in a lowered voice. “I know who I am, I’ve done the hormone shit since high school, and I’m at this school where no one really knows anything about me, you know? I’m just another girl.”

“I just worry about you,” Jonghyun said. “We all need that community.”

“I have friends, Jjong,” Gwiboon said sharply. “I don’t want everything to be trans trans trans all the time. I just want to be me.”

Jonghyun opened his mouth and started to say something and then closed it again.

“You know,” he said finally. “I never would have come out last year if it weren’t for you. I was just trying to will myself into being a masculine lesbian. You’re the one who took me seriously when I made comments about my gender that everyone else ignored or took as a joke. You’re the one who sent me all those tumblr links. You’re the one who held my hand when I went to go get prescribed for T.” He twisted a napkin around his fingers.

“I didn’t know anyone trans before I came out to you,” he said. “And then you told me you were trans too! It was just—” he gulped. Jonghyun always was an easy crier. “You were there for me at a time when I really needed someone like you.”

“Shut up,” Gwiboon said softly. She grabbed his hand.

“I’m just saying,” Jonghyun said, trying to steady his voice. “Everyone focuses on coming out or transitioning as the time when we need the most support, but we never stop needing support, you know?”

He looked up as Gwiboon was silent.

“Please?” he said. “Just once. You never have to come again.”

She wavered.

“Fine,” she said at last. “Just once.”

_______________________________________

The sun was dipping closer to the horizon as they made their way across campus. TRES was held every Friday, although the location varied. “I can get you added to the secret Facebook group,” Jonghyun said.

“Mm,” Gwiboon said dismissively.

“How are you doing…since…you know…Minho…?” Jonghyun said, after a few more minutes of walking.

“Don’t talk about him,” Gwiboon said.

“Okay,” Jonghyun said.

“He’s an asshole,” Gwiboon said.

Jonghyun made a sympathetic noise in his throat.

Gwiboon sighed. “I mean, he’s not. I just want him to be, so I can hate him. But he’s actually always been really nice, and still is. Which is very inconsiderate of him. So he’s an asshole.”

“I really miss the sex,” she added after a moment. “He was really good with his tongue.”

“I don’t want to think about Minho’s tongue in a sexy way,” Jonghyun said.

“Sorry,” Gwiboon laughed.

_______________________________________

Gwiboon wondered if there was an unspoken rule that all support groups should take place in old fluorescent-lit classrooms with a circle of folding chairs. Nothing like the physical discomfort of a flimsy thinly padded chair to match the pain of obligatory emotional vulnerability in an artificial setting. She could already feel her thighs sticking to the chair, where her skin was not covered by her shorts.

She crossed her long bare legs, flipped her long red ponytail over her shoulder, and smiled coolly around the room. It was a small group, considering the size of the university. She counted thirteen people, including herself. Well, fourteen, with the new person who had just walked into the room. The newcomer sat down directly across from Gwiboon and looked at the floor, rubbing their hands repeatedly across their thighs as if their palms were sweaty.

The spot next to her was empty, and she put her purse on it to save it for Jonghyun, who was currently standing a little away from the circle of chairs, chatting animatedly with someone she assumed was the facilitator. They had chin-length dark purple locs and an official looking name badge with the familiar blue and pink and white stripes. It was too far away to read.

The group seemed heavily weighted towards transmasculine folk. “Typical,” Gwiboon thought to herself, and fidgeted with her nails.

“Alright, everyone!” the facilitator said at last, clapping their hands to get the room’s attention. They sat down on the other side of Jonghyun’s seat. “We have some new folks here tonight, so let’s do a round of introductions. As much as you’re comfortable sharing about yourself, but under a minute, if you can! Your name and pronouns are a good place to start, and maybe you can each share part of your self-care plan for next week.”

They placed one hand against their chest. “I’m Lilith. She/her pronouns,” she said. “Proud Black trans woman. My self-care plan is abandoning you all next week to go to the beach with Amir.” She laughed at the mixture of laughter and disappointed groans in the room. “Ramón will take good care of you.”

She pointed at Jonghyun, who waved at the room. “Jonghyun, he/him/his, and my self-care plan this week is taking my day with no classes to watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, extended edition, with the actors’ commentary on.”

“Why are you such a nerd?” Gwiboon whispered at him.

“It’s your turn,” he whispered back.

“Gwiboon,” she said. “She/her, and I’m going to get my nails done tomorrow.”

She looked at the person across from her, who was still looking down at the floor, hunched over as if they might be sick. They were gripping the sides of the chair so tightly that their knuckles looked pale on their otherwise tanned hands.

The introductions went around the room, and Gwiboon knew she should pay attention, but she only caught a few of them.

“Liz, zie/hir…”

“Ramón, he/him/his…”

“Troy, they/them/their…”

At last, the person across from Gwiboon raised their head, and looked out across the room with an unfocused stare. “Jinki, he/him/his,” he said. “My self-care plan is, um…” He kept staring helplessly until he made eye contact with Gwiboon. Gwiboon tried to look as encouraging as possible. “My self-care plan is…” He looked back down at the floor.

“It’s okay, Jinki,” Lilith said kindly. “Sometimes it’s hard to think of something.” Jinki nodded, but didn’t look back up. The introductions moved on.

“He’s new,” Jonghyun whispered to Gwiboon, as if it wasn’t obvious. Jinki was now rocking back and forth slightly, left hand picking at the right sleeve of his oversized flannel shirt.

Gwiboon tried to focus during the rest of the session, but the voices around her melded into an ambient hum, and all she could focus on was the flickering of the fluorescent ceiling light, and Jinki’s constant fidgeting across the circle. He still looked sick to his stomach, and the anxiety in his demeanor was uncomfortably, deeply familiar to Gwiboon.

When the hour ended, some of the participants began to fold up the chairs, while Jonghyun made a beeline to talk to Jinki, who looked up, alarmed, as though he had been cornered.

“Gwiboon.” Lilith stepped into Gwiboon’s line of sight. “Thank you for joining us tonight. I hope to see you again?”

“Yes, mm, maybe!” Gwiboon said. Her eyes wandered over Lilith’s shoulder, to where Jonghyun had already disarmed Jinki to the point that Jinki was smiling tentatively. Of course.

“Thank you so much for having me!” she said, her eyes snapping back to Lilith’s, hoping her distraction didn’t seem rude. Lilith smiled. “Here’s my card,” she said. “You can email me if you want to talk, or if you want to be added to our Facebook group. We post event info there.”

Gwiboon nodded politely and took the card. She could see Jonghyun waving her over.

“Gwiboon is also new to the group,” he said to Jinki as Gwiboon walked up.

“Hi Jinki,” she said, smiling as warmly as she could manage, and extending her hand. Jinki took it briefly, his palm as sweaty as she had imagined.

“Nice to meet you,” he said quietly, looking up, his gaze still not quite meeting her eye. She dug her hands into the pockets of her shorts so she could discreetly wipe the damp feeling off the one hand.

“How’d you hear about TRES?” Jonghyun said.

“A friend of Ramón’s,” Jinki said, then fell back into silence.

“I was nervous my first time here too,” Jonghyun said after a moment. “But these are nice people. You’ll fit right in.”

He patted Jinki on the shoulder, and Gwiboon was feeling secondhand awkwardness from watching the entire thing.

“Do you mind if I friend you on Facebook?” Jonghyun said. “You said your last name is Lee, right?”

Jinki nodded.

“Well, it was really nice to meet you,” Jonghyun said, clapping him on the back. “We’ll see you next week,” he said, ignoring Gwiboon as she shook her head the tiniest fraction at him.

“He seems nice,” he said to Gwiboon as they stepped back outside.

“He barely said anything,” Gwiboon said.

“I just have a good feeling about him!” Jonghyun said.

_______________________________________

“I don’t know why I let Jonghyun talk me into these things,” Gwiboon said as she let the room door shut behind her, and pretended to ignore the way Taemin had slammed his laptop shut and pulled his comforter over his crotch.

She flopped facedown on her bed.

“Are you decent?” she said, after a second.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Taemin said, his face still a little flushed when Gwiboon looked up.

“Yeah, we were texting about it, so I knew he was gonna take you to TRES, but I didn’t warn you,” he said. “Sorry,” he said a moment later. Gwiboon snorted at his insincere tone.

“When are you guys going to fuck already?” she said.

“I mean…” Taemin’s voice trailed off guiltily.

“Oh my god, I should have known,” Gwiboon said, laughing. “When are you going to ask him out though?”

Taemin looked more serious. “I don’t know if he’s into me like that, Gwiboonie, like I think maybe it was just a one-time thing?”

“Jonghyun doesn’t really do one-time things,” Gwiboon said.

“Yeah, but,” Taemin winced. “I’m just not sure my aro slut self is what he’s looking for.”

“Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you’re a slut,” Gwiboon rattled off, her voice robotic.

“No, I like being a slut,” Taemin said. “Nonmonogamous just sounds very” —he fluttered the fingers of one hand, looking for the word — “bougie.”

“Maybe your aro slut bisexual self is exactly what Jonghyun is looking for,” Gwiboon said. “Since you are like best friends or whatever, and he did sleep with you.”

“Why are we talking about my awkward sex life,” Taemin groaned, pulling a pillow over his face.

“You always wanna talk about your awkward sex life,” Gwiboon countered.

“I wanna talk about your time at TRES though,” Taemin said.

Gwiboon sighed. “It was fine.”

“So, you hated it.”

Gwiboon got back up to grab her giant hoodie. “Hate is the wrong word.” She sat back down on her bed, pulling the hoodie over herself, and folding her knees up inside it again. She pulled the drawstrings closed. “Stuff like that is just not organic, you know? It’s just not how I make friends. Meanwhile Jonghyun is running around like a puppy excited to sniff all the pee on the fire hydrants…” —Taemin raised an eyebrow— “I meant that metaphorically.”

“And there was this guy there who was just so awkward, and he’s like a baby trans person probably, and I felt bad for him,” Gwiboon finished. “And now I’m tired and I want to stay in my room forever.”

Her phone buzzed. A new Facebook notification. A friend request from Jinki.

“Speak of the devil,” she said. She confirmed Jinki as a friend, and immediately began looking through his pictures. There were very few besides the profile picture of him in a shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck, with a smile so uncomfortable it looked like a grimace. She scrolled down his wall. It didn’t go back further than a few months. Definitely a baby.

She pulled the profile picture back up and held her phone out to Taemin. “See? Doesn’t he look so awkward?”

Taemin took the phone. “He’s really cute,” he said.

“Taem, focus!” Gwiboon said. “Awkward, yes or no?”

“I mean, sure, I guess his style isn’t the sharpest, but you could fix that,” Taemin said. “He is really cute though. Look at his lips and his eyes!”

“‘You could fix that’?” Gwiboon repeated, making air quotes with her fingers.

“Yeah, isn’t he your next project now or something?” Taemin said, handing the phone back to her.

“I do not have time to raise a trans baby!” Gwiboon shrieked.

“Okay, okay, Jesus,” Taemin said.

“Oh god, he’s messaging me now,” Gwiboon said.

“Facebook friends do that sometimes,” Taemin said in a flat voice.

_hi_

Gwiboon stared at the solitary word on her screen. Nothing more for several seconds, just the ellipsis showing Jinki was typing (and probably erasing and starting over multiple times).

“What is he saying?” Taemin said, hopping out of his bed to sit next to Gwiboon. He was still only in his briefs. He looked over her shoulder.

_it was really nice to meet you_

_i hope i didn’t seem rude_

“What should I say?” Gwiboon said, holding the phone out to Taemin.

Taemin shrugged. Gwiboon huffed and started typing.

_\------------hi jinki! you’re fine! it was your first time!_  


_i’m just not very good with new things_

_\------------you should be proud of yourself for going! that’s always a big step._  


“See?” Taemin said. “You’re a natural mother duck.”

“Shut up,” Gwiboon said.

_thanks :)_

_i’m just adjusting to a lot of stuff right now_

_\------------that’s a normal part of the process! <3_  


_um, jonghyun invited me to coffee tomorrow_

_i was wondering if you wanted to come along?_

“I don’t want a duckling!” Gwiboon said.

“Toooo laaaaate,” Taemin sang.

“I’m only going to this if you come with me,” Gwiboon said, looking down as another message came in.

_does 4 pm work for you?_

“I can’t do that,” Taemin said. “It would be weird.”

“How is it weird? I need you to be my bro,” Gwiboon said, whining.

“Because it’s like a trans hangout thing where this dude is gonna be all vulnerable and shit, and I’m a cis dude,” Taemin said. He looked meaningfully at Gwiboon. “You know I’m right.”

Gwiboon flopped dramatically back on the bed, tapping rapidly at her phone.

_\------------yes, i’d love to! <3_  


_\------------4 is perfect!_  


_great! i’ll message you when we figure out where_

_\------------k :)_  


“Okay, I did it,” Gwiboon said.

“Good work, my child,” Taemin said, leaning over to pat her head with a beatific smile.

Gwiboon glared at him, and opened a message window with Jonghyun.

_\------------coffee with jinki sounds good!_  


_awesome! :D_

_\------------also taem says he misses your tight little butthole_  


_how sweet of him <3_

Gwiboon snickered and took a screenshot of the conversation and messaged it to Taemin before turning off her phone and running into the bathroom to change into her pajamas.

“Gwiboon!” Taemin shouted a minute later. There was a muffled thump against the wall, followed by several inarticulate groans. When she exited, he had pulled the blankets over his head. She giggled. Worth it.


End file.
